LadyBohemia — Uncategorized RSS

At the moment of my divorce, I had nothing. I was forced to stay in my former home, now having become my ex-husband's home, for months after the break up, without even funds for a rent deposit or a moving van. A period of despair and loneliness.

Until the most unexpected happened. When my father passed away, he left me an inheritance in the form of the family's summer place. My mother swore to never sell it - they had owned it for some 30+ years and absolutely loved the place. Then four years after we had lost dad - that very summer of my divorce - she suddenly announced it was time to let go . The place was sold. And I was saved. Was finally able to find a home for myself, a safe place where I and the loves of my life, my two little boys, could recover and find some solace.

At that moment in time I got a most simple and clear sense of my father's hand reaching for me, pulling me through when I had no more strength left in myself.

And a déjà vu reflection of another moment between my father and I, some 17 years earlier. A Christmas dinner for our family with some friends of my parents... Friends who started showing photos of our traditional dinner from previous year. In each picture, there were me and an ex-boyfriend - the wound from that separation was still bleeding raw. I went through picture after picture and to my horror, my eyes welled up. I so didn't want to cry in this company, none of them were very kind people. I swallowed my tears the hardest I could... Nobody noticed I think... Until my dad sitting opposite to me at the end of the big table winked me to come after him. He pulled me to the other room and just hugged me without saying a word. Confronted by his kindness, I was no longer able to fight my tears.

Nothing was said. It was the only time I remember him hugging me as an adult.

And now, even from the other side, he managed to send me a strong hug bringing me to safety, at a moment when I was most shattered and torn.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss him.

I don't even have a single photo of us two together since my childhood... But it's okay.

I remember everything.

~*~

When I started my blog it was to write about all things I found beautiful, touching, thought provoking... My own particular self therapy, to every day, for a moment, devote myself to at least one wonderful thing - or a thing that made me wonder.

But I lost sight of wonder.

It was this time last year that I received a message from a stranger at the other end of our planet. She just happened to reach me on one of my darkest days.. So dark that I was unable to even send her a little thank you note. But I held onto her words during the year to come.

 The power of kindness is so profound... It is because of people like her, near and far, that the beauty of this world is emerging in my life again. And finally today, only a year late, I found my words to thanking her. They are much less eloquent that this lady's original message to me.. Here it is, the perfect reminder for me to not miss an opportunity to reach out and say something beautiful, give a smile, a hug... You never know just how much it might mean to the other person.

Hi Kaisu,

I just wanted to say came across your blog online when I was looking for a Wordpress theme. I also have a shop on Etsy and figured I'd reach out just to say that there were a couple of things you wrote about that were very touching. I wanted to tell you that you really have a beautiful way of writing. Its very from the heart and that's kinda rare to find anymore. I also really like your Etsy shop :). Anyway, Im usually pretty reserved and sometimes a little harsh, and writing this to someone I've never met is way out of character( at least it is for me) But I just had to say thank you for having the courage to express yourself in your blog and in the things you surround yourself with. I'm sure there are many people out there who have found you to be a tremendous inspiration. OK, keep up the great work and have a great Christmas and Happy New Year!

~*~

Last week, I organized my first ever fashion show. So much fun, but as it was a very important evening for my little company, there was also stress and rush. I did my best to keep my cool at home as my boys easily worry for me if they sense I'm upset or distressed... Thought I'd managed.

Next day the show was over - I was deliriously happy, and utterly wiped out. Had crawled into bed without even having the energy to take my clothes off. My son was with his father that week and called me with his sweet yet determined voice: "Maman I want to come to see you!" First time for a visit when it's the other parent's turn to take care of them... Hmm. "I'm really tired honey I'm in bed, not much fun for you". His mind was made up "You can sleep, I just want to look at you". Strange, but you don't say no to a child who wants to be with you.

He came - alone from one home to another - first time ever, too. His little face was cold from winter and alarmed with worry. As soon as he saw me peek under the blankets and smile at him, his concern melted away.

He had come to check for himself that everything had gone well and I wasn't feeling low or lonely.

Of course I had told him over the phone that things were wonderful but he knows I wouldn't easily tell him even if the evening had been a disaster... So he wanted to read it from my face.

He crawled to bed under my blanket, asked if everything was fine, I said couldn't be better. Now he felt it was true. He played with my hair and hummed away little songs as he's done since being a baby... I kept on dozing off...

Suddenly he said he wants to run to the store to get something. Another first. A surprise, he said.

He came back beaming with pride... He'd bought me milk for my morning coffee... There's no getting me out of bed without it, he'd seen the empty fridge. AND he had bought me a bar of my favorite chocolate, placed in on my pillow.

"Okay I must go. Homework." Now relaxed and happy, he energetically kissed my face all over. "Don't get up. Sweet dreams ma petite Maman".

It's true what they say... It's the little big things that truly matter. In my book that visit, milk and chocolate go down as the most beautiful display of love imaginable.

Morning

while the early dawn's cold wind, 
bruises against your lovely cheeks, 
may my longings gently pass, 
through the air, into your waking self ... 

for it shall bring along my passions, 
the kisses that I scattered for you, 
looking at the starry night sky, and 
the hugs that I sent looking at the lonesome moon. 

place your palms soft on your restful face, 
let it convey the warmth and heat, 
that my burning body released into the bed, 
while tossing and turning sleeplessly in your memory ... 

while you are ready to take on the world, 
gently-softly open the windows of your heart and soul. 
let me reside there intoxicated in your contemplation, 
smiling with you in joys and burning with you in times of rage and pain

- Doni Rimo -

My dear readers, dear friends. I am so sorry for not having written to you in such a very long time. And starting again is surprisingly difficult... Such a threshold there is, almost like a mountain to climb, to reach you again. So I've not had the courage to Just Do it.

But now, let me try, even if it won't be perfect. If it won't even be good.

Here goes. This past year has been the roughest in my whole life. I've lost someone I loved. This broke me down so badly I still don't know how to get up. Then, divorce. Loosing my home. I lost several family members too, was left very much alone. I've been let down by people I trusted; unbelievable yet true, both my money and my identity were stolen... Both by people I had considered as friends. My health was bad, so was the health of my darling youngest son.

I lost my ability to write.

But now finally I am in a safer place in life, in my own little apartment, where I feel I can breathe. Where the loves of my life, my two boys, feel at home.

So I struggle to find my words again.

This is my first little step. Thank you for bearing with me.

~*<3*~