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My friends arranged an event at LadyBohemia. To invite everybody who had loved Kalle and me, to celebrate his endless joy of life. Also, to help me keep going with this labor of love of mine LadyBohemia, at a moment when I am not able to, but have to, keep on working. They did it all, arranged everything, invited people, told everybody it wasn't even sure I would be able to show up. But they were prepared to handle all. Serafiina Sainio, Annika di Chiara, Bhakti Kulmala, my mother, Ria for photographing.... Pike Holmström. Kira Lahdenperä for the flowers, for keeping the shop open when I was, let's say, not presentable for any client. I will never forget what you have done for me. Not one smile, not one shared tear. In my deepest hour of need, I truly was not alone. [caption id="attachment_15826" align="aligncenter" width="864"] Serafiina Sainio and Bhakti Kulmala <3[/caption] We had the best of evenings, ever. In the invitation I'd promised you can all laugh, you can cry, all rules are out the window at this point. So, so many people came, bringing their loving messages and kind words for Kalle and their best wishes for my future without him. I am touched beyond words.   Tragedy often brings out the best, absolutely most beautiful qualities in people. Unfortunately also in reverse. But this evening was about the goodness, the kindness, the compassion of human spirit. Even total strangers came, they had heard about my loss and just wanted to help any way they could. I have no words, really. [caption id="attachment_15830" align="aligncenter" width="864"] Pike Holmström & Annika di Chiara[/caption] For example, a doctor I'd never met came by saying should I or my children ever need help or crisis therapy, she would take us in anytime, without charge. She left me her email. Then she bought something to support our livelihood, and after a couple of hours came back with her business card, with her personal phone number. I could call anytime. My little but very dear friend Kris, the age of my children, came to give me a hug and tell me just how sorry he was for my loss. So many encounters, so much love. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.  

You always said you'd do everything for me that a small man only could. I always answered that you are the greatest man I have ever known.

Kalle Savén I love you forever.

Life surprised me with wondrous ways just a few weeks back. First, a client whom I'd only met some 4 times came to LadyBohemia telling me she'd hurt her leg - and she had just booked an all expenses paid trip to Paris. Asking me if I'd like to go in her place.

A gift out of nowhere, a miracle at the very moment when I was so, so tired… And for the first time since forever, I just took off and let go of everything.

Aimless, mapless and free, I wondered around the beautiful streets, taking the sunshine, the elegance, the buildings, little alleys, bridges, doors, those cafés, those smiles into my soul.

Then suddenly I realized I stood in a place I recognized from 25 years back. From a day I was proposed to for the first time.

I had said yes.

I climbed to sit on the fence where I’d sat on that day, remained there for a long time, heart overflown with gratitude over that first love, those six years we’d had together.

And the miracles don’t stop there, they keep growing. I posted a photo of this fence and… My phone beeped a message.

It was him. The message is private but I can tell you I cried, tears of happiness. He'd spotted the photo and just wanted to make sure I knew…

And after 25 years, all I needed to answer was ’I’ve always known’.

Don’t get me wrong, this was not about rekindling a romance, no.

Just a crystalised moment on what life and love are all about

~*~

   

At breakfast, my son told me about a discussion he'd had with a new boy in his class. Farook had ended something he'd said with "inshallah".

Luca, casually: "Did you know, there are many people in Finland who don't believe in God?"

Farook: "Really???"

Luca 9 yrs: 'Yes in different countries people believe in different things. I've thought about it and I don't believe in God. My dad doesn't either. But it's okay that you do."

Farook thought about it: "Well yes why not... I guess it's okay".

Let's just leave this planet to our kids. They're ready to make it better.

~*~

 

Not so long ago I lost my father, my marriage, my job, my ability to survive financially... So many things collapsed that I felt I collapsed  under the weight myself. Additionally, these are the times where a lot of friends and family members take their distance - let's face it, a depressed and desperate person is not so very much fun to hang around.

Slowly (or maybe fast? there was no notion of time in that endlessness) yet surely I fell into deep exhaustion, a tiredness no words can reach. I won't bother you with the details, you can all google depression. But very few google hits tell you how to address depression with your little children.

I realized that especially my oldest son knew something was up. He had no means to understand. But he was serious, all too serious, eyes welled up with unanswered  questions. How do you talk to your child about depression? Every instinct in my head screamed NO! spare him from this, this is my pain not his, he's just too little. But my heart whispered he already knows. And if I didn't talk to him, he'd have to deal  alone.

So, I told my Joel he must have noticed how tired I'd become... How much sleep I needed... And that I wasn't smiling as much as before. Told him all this was all due to an illness called depression, it causes these things. Told him I was treated and helped by doctors and medicine - adults took care of this, he didn't need to worry.

Interrupting me, he asked hastily "Maman are you going to die of it?". Turned out he HAD processed it, all alone, equating my situation with my father's illness that just recently had made my son's beloved grandfather fade away from us. Knowing something was wrong with me, not understanding how serious it could be, he'd wanted to protect me from his questions and concerns. What a weight he had carried on his tender shoulders.

I promised him I would get well again. He knows I never ever promise if I can't keep my word.

I apologized. For not having talked to him earlier, for sleeping too much, for always being exhausted. For everything, really.

And my child with tears in his eyes hugged me tight, saying something so wise, so kind, so compassionate that it rests in my heart forever.

 "Maman I know you always do your very best. Remember, that is enough."

My son, my hero.

Back in the day when I swore to always protect the love of my life. And already now, he protects me right back.

~*~