At the moment of my divorce, I had nothing. I was forced to stay in my former home, now having become my ex-husband's home, for months after the break up, without even funds for a rent deposit or a moving van. A period of despair and loneliness.
Until the most unexpected happened. When my father passed away, he left me an inheritance in the form of the family's summer place. My mother swore to never sell it - they had owned it for some 30+ years and absolutely loved the place. Then four years after we had lost dad - that very summer of my divorce - she suddenly announced it was time to let go . The place was sold. And I was saved. Was finally able to find a home for myself, a safe place where I and the loves of my life, my two little boys, could recover and find some solace.
At that moment in time I got a most simple and clear sense of my father's hand reaching for me, pulling me through when I had no more strength left in myself.
And a déjà vu reflection of another moment between my father and I, some 17 years earlier. A Christmas dinner for our family with some friends of my parents... Friends who started showing photos of our traditional dinner from previous year. In each picture, there were me and an ex-boyfriend - the wound from that separation was still bleeding raw. I went through picture after picture and to my horror, my eyes welled up. I so didn't want to cry in this company, none of them were very kind people. I swallowed my tears the hardest I could... Nobody noticed I think... Until my dad sitting opposite to me at the end of the big table winked me to come after him. He pulled me to the other room and just hugged me without saying a word. Confronted by his kindness, I was no longer able to fight my tears.
Nothing was said. It was the only time I remember him hugging me as an adult.
And now, even from the other side, he managed to send me a strong hug bringing me to safety, at a moment when I was most shattered and torn.
Not a day goes by that I don't miss him.
I don't even have a single photo of us two together since my childhood... But it's okay.
I remember everything.
~*~
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