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The connection between me and my sons never ceases to amaze me.

Just the other day I was chatting with a person I'd never met but who had discovered my little blog and found it interesting. His way of expressing himself was very poetic... I found that interesting. The second day that we exchanged messages my son Joel looked at me funnily.

He came to sit very close to me, looked me deep in the eyes and asked "Okay Maman, who is he?"

Huoh...

~*~

I need to travel to Paris for business tomorrow. Which is wonderful and I can't wait to wander the streets of the city of lights in all her Christmas glory... And I'm not afraid for myself because of the recent attacks... But my little boys are terrified. "No we don't let you go!" "Maman please stay with us...". "What if there is another attack and you die."

What do I tell them...The answer needs to be both true and comforting. And in this case the truth doesn't comfort them one bit. That I believe nothing will happen... That I will be careful... That the police are going to be everywhere and very alert...

And my eldest son reads (and quotes to me) Le Monde's predictions of a possible chemical or biological attack. My little boy cried himself to sleep in my arms two past nights. And still I have no choice, I have to go.

Before Paris, they didn't know about Breivik, school shootings, September 11th... And now they ask if I'll fly with the same kind of normal passenger plane that was crashed into the World Trade Center. That do I know there is an island in Norway where children were on summer camp and somebody knocked on the door saying he was a police officer... And then he shot and killed all the children. To this, Luca says "I'm not afraid for myself but for you Maman."

I so wish I could have protected their innocence, even if only a little bit longer.

~*~

At the moment of my divorce, I had nothing. I was forced to stay in my former home, now having become my ex-husband's home, for months after the break up, without even funds for a rent deposit or a moving van. A period of despair and loneliness.

Until the most unexpected happened. When my father passed away, he left me an inheritance in the form of the family's summer place. My mother swore to never sell it - they had owned it for some 30+ years and absolutely loved the place. Then four years after we had lost dad - that very summer of my divorce - she suddenly announced it was time to let go . The place was sold. And I was saved. Was finally able to find a home for myself, a safe place where I and the loves of my life, my two little boys, could recover and find some solace.

At that moment in time I got a most simple and clear sense of my father's hand reaching for me, pulling me through when I had no more strength left in myself.

And a déjà vu reflection of another moment between my father and I, some 17 years earlier. A Christmas dinner for our family with some friends of my parents... Friends who started showing photos of our traditional dinner from previous year. In each picture, there were me and an ex-boyfriend - the wound from that separation was still bleeding raw. I went through picture after picture and to my horror, my eyes welled up. I so didn't want to cry in this company, none of them were very kind people. I swallowed my tears the hardest I could... Nobody noticed I think... Until my dad sitting opposite to me at the end of the big table winked me to come after him. He pulled me to the other room and just hugged me without saying a word. Confronted by his kindness, I was no longer able to fight my tears.

Nothing was said. It was the only time I remember him hugging me as an adult.

And now, even from the other side, he managed to send me a strong hug bringing me to safety, at a moment when I was most shattered and torn.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss him.

I don't even have a single photo of us two together since my childhood... But it's okay.

I remember everything.

~*~

When I started my blog it was to write about all things I found beautiful, touching, thought provoking... My own particular self therapy, to every day, for a moment, devote myself to at least one wonderful thing - or a thing that made me wonder.

But I lost sight of wonder.

It was this time last year that I received a message from a stranger at the other end of our planet. She just happened to reach me on one of my darkest days.. So dark that I was unable to even send her a little thank you note. But I held onto her words during the year to come.

 The power of kindness is so profound... It is because of people like her, near and far, that the beauty of this world is emerging in my life again. And finally today, only a year late, I found my words to thanking her. They are much less eloquent that this lady's original message to me.. Here it is, the perfect reminder for me to not miss an opportunity to reach out and say something beautiful, give a smile, a hug... You never know just how much it might mean to the other person.

Hi Kaisu,

I just wanted to say came across your blog online when I was looking for a Wordpress theme. I also have a shop on Etsy and figured I'd reach out just to say that there were a couple of things you wrote about that were very touching. I wanted to tell you that you really have a beautiful way of writing. Its very from the heart and that's kinda rare to find anymore. I also really like your Etsy shop :). Anyway, Im usually pretty reserved and sometimes a little harsh, and writing this to someone I've never met is way out of character( at least it is for me) But I just had to say thank you for having the courage to express yourself in your blog and in the things you surround yourself with. I'm sure there are many people out there who have found you to be a tremendous inspiration. OK, keep up the great work and have a great Christmas and Happy New Year!

~*~