Love in Paris
Today I stumbled upon the last Spotify playlist Kalle had listened to.
Titled "Love in Paris", it was utterly heartbreaking. Paris was our city, we dreamt of one day buying a little apartment, retiring there together.. Kalle always tried to come with me to my business trips to Paris, he was so concerned if I was alone somewhere abroad - even though I'd worked in Tanzania, Italy, India, travelled alone quite a bit, made a world tour - he was all too loving not to worry.
I listened to his playlist again and again and it hit me hard, how deep is the pain, awaiting just around the corner. I've consciously realized that all my existence has gone to basic survival.
This was a taste of what it's about to be. To feel the fact that he is gone forever.
In April I had to make one purchase trip for LadyBohemia alone. And of course that time, I got robbed. Not hurt, just some money and credit cards were stolen. Kalle was so upset at the dangers of this world he swore he'd never let me in harm's way alone again.
I'm not worried for thieves, muggers or robbers.
I need to go soon again to our Paris... And I am anxious beyond words what it'll feel like to enter this hotel of ours (can I abandon the place where I have some of the most beautiful memories of my life, where everybody just loved him, hugged him, welcomed him so sincerely?) and then, every showroom, restaurant, wholesaler, fashion fair that I'll have to visit... Everybody I do business with knew and loved him, he was such a sweeter and larger than life persona.
Love in Paris has it's price. And I'm not sure i have enough currency.