Today I stumbled upon the last Spotify playlist Kalle had listened to.
Titled "Love in Paris", it was utterly heartbreaking. Paris was our city, we dreamt of one day buying a little apartment, retiring there together.. Kalle always tried to come with me to my business trips to Paris, he was so concerned if I was alone somewhere abroad - even though I'd worked in Tanzania, Italy, India, travelled alone quite a bit, made a world tour - he was all too loving not to worry.
I listened to his playlist again and again and it hit me hard, how deep is the pain, awaiting just around the corner. I've consciously realized that all my existence has gone to basic survival.
This was a taste of what it's about to be. To feel the fact that he is gone forever.
In April I had to make one purchase trip for LadyBohemia alone. And of course that time, I got robbed. Not hurt, just some money and credit cards were stolen. Kalle was so upset at the dangers of this world he swore he'd never let me in harm's way alone again.
I'm not worried for thieves, muggers or robbers.
I need to go soon again to our Paris... And I am anxious beyond words what it'll feel like to enter this hotel of ours (can I abandon the place where I have some of the most beautiful memories of my life, where everybody just loved him, hugged him, welcomed him so sincerely?) and then, every showroom, restaurant, wholesaler, fashion fair that I'll have to visit... Everybody I do business with knew and loved him, he was such a sweeter and larger than life persona.
Love in Paris has it's price. And I'm not sure i have enough currency.
Dearest..I have bought from your Etsty shop and Oona’s ethereal shop for many years… you may recognize my name….and I am in Santa Barbara…
I read your blog and my heart has felt the deep pain of this wound…. but It resonated with me to share a different perspective, especially for when life was light and living in color, only to suddenly turn to black and white where everything feels and looks like cardboard and one dimensional….. I can assure you of this. Whatever you have loved deeply and truly comes around again in your life in another form… I have never seen or heard of this universal truth not happening….so when you heart is healed and open again…. and perhaps you still dream of buying an apartment for yourself in Paris one day … someone else is going to come along that will embody Kalle, yet be uniquely himself…
You are a manifesting divine goddess of light capable of creating and having what you wish… our 3D world has been laden with many lifetimes of programming of fear, anxieties, etc lies and illusions…when we are divine beings capable of incredible manifesting…. humankind has forgotten that and there is now a global raising of the collective consciousness…an awakening , remembrances of Leumeuria and Atlantis before the fall…. and of other star systems…all of which I am personally experiencing…
In the end is the beginning… true love, soulmate love real love, all your hashtags in your life with your children, Mani, Oona, Bahki….etc as angels…. the light inside you that is whole and divine can transmute this back to source and will….
All my love and best wishes for the journey….
Susan
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