Sometimes it's good to place words to the secrets hidden in your heart... Their power diminishes the moment you stop being scared and look at your demons in the eye.
Once I found a painting in an antiques market in Provence. I simply had to have it although it was way out of my budget. A painting of a little girl with a messy hair and (to me) captivating eyes. She looks so scared... She feels scared, she feels lost. Alone. Looking into her eyes, deep inside I feel her pain.
The name of the painting is Catherine. My English teacher decided to call me Catherine in primary school... It felt like a touch of kismet when I discovered this other little Catherine.
I used to stare at that painting on my wall. I see my little self in her eyes, they made me cry. I haven't hung that painting in my current home, it sits on the floor of my living room with other paintings with meaningful memories. But sometimes I go to sit next to Catherine on the floor and feel that connection. Although she still sometimes brings tears to my eyes - I need to feel it. Those good tears, the healing kind.
I don't encourage myself to dwell in the past but there are things I need to face and deal with in order to let them go. In order to understand why some irrational things leave me scared and paralyzed..
I used to be very harsh and unforgiving towards myself when facing things I simply couldn't deal with.
Now that I understand more about the WHY I can look at myself with loving eyes and say: You're okay being who you are. You don't need to change. You are enough just as you are. You will be loved , not despite your shortcomings and fears but because of them.
Sometimes I go to look at my little Catherine in the eyes and with the smile in my eyes I tell her it'll all be allright. And she's no longer alone.
Thank you my dear friend Antti <3
Thank you for your understanding words Anssi. It is sometimes a hard task to forgive oneself. I’m learning, and not least because of my children. If I don’t have kindness towards myself they won’t learn having it towards themselves.
You have a beautiful heart and soul. After all in your life you will have the time of your life. :)
You have a good heart and a good soul. You will deserve the time of your life.
It is Important to keep memories even they are sometimes painfull. It also Important to let go and forgive, at least to yourself to be able continue life.
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