Christmas night is turning into morning and I haven't been able to sleep at all. But this time, it's sleepless in Bagnôls, in a good way. Just me, the lights of the Christmas tree and a fireplace, still oozing warmth for having roared all day.
Time for reflection. Totally alone. I miss that sometimes.
My heart is pulling together highs and lows of this past year. If I tell you the truth - and in this blog we speak the truth - my feeling is of deep and profound gratitude, and of equally deep loss.
This year, I have lost two people - not to death but to life - whom I considered family. Eventually, it will hurt less but knowing myself, I don't just get over people I have loved. For me it takes years. Last time, over three years ago, I lost two familymembers over one day and still, the scar is raw like an amputated arm. I have ghost pain, every day. Sorry for the harsh language, I'm not being pessimist here... But a realist, just this once.
Gratitude is for finding a path to follow. Something that feels right. Something that has reached and touched people. My little company, my very own, has given me such long lost confidence and joy. And the people I've found through LadyBohemia - be it company, blog or shop - are nothing short of human angels. Before this adventure of entrepreneurship, I couldn't have imagined how many people would support, encourage, have faith in me.
The other side of the coin, very strangely, something totally new to me, was being badly let down by people I trusted. Not once not twice, but three times. These things happen and you just pick yourself up and keep going, I know. But this cut is a little deeper than skin. You see, if there's one talent I know I've always had, it is an ability to read people, to instinctively know who to trust and who to keep at arm's length.
Whenever I've gone for the listing of pros and cons, a rational systematic decision making process, I've ended up more or less lost. With intuition, never. Until this year, time and again. Now, I'm left questioning and disappointed. Not of the people around me, but myself.
Lastly, yet maybe most importantly, this has been a year of true and real friendship. New soul sisters, deep connections and encounters, or people I've known forever, making me feel how much care and love I am surrounded with.
True colors shining through. I think a quote from Cyndi Lauper would summarize my 2013.
~*'♥'*~
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