Mea culpa

My youngest son used to have headaches every day for a number of years. At least two years give or take.

This was when he was little... Maybe ages 4-6 or something. I was still married to his father and we did all we could possibly imagine to find out what could be wrong. Regular check-ups, private specialists, optomologists, neurologists.... Enough sleep, steady blood sugar, healthy food, fresh air and excercise, reassurance from us that this pain would go away.... Yet pretty much every day his head hurt. Either of us massaged his head in the evenings until he fell asleep. So helpless. 

We gave him a chart between 0-3 where zero meant no pain and three was unbearable Every day at some point he was between 2-3. And this is a child who never complains.

Once he was at the French Alps skiing with his dad and brother and he fell badly on a slope. A professional skiing instructor was with him within a couple of minutes and had called an ambulance (their father couldn't possibly control the two if they lost their balance and simultaneously bolted off to different directions). This instructor had seen the accident and that my Luca had hit his head hard. He held Luca still and asked him at a scale of 0 to 5, how much does your head hurt.

Luca had answered Sorry, the scale of pain is from 0 to 3.

Then we had one crucial check up at the maternity care unit and I again told about his continuous headaches. The nurse remembered us from when Luca was just some 6 months old - his head had grown so fast that it was over their standards so we were under special observation during his first year, visiting a child neurologists' hospital once a month. They wanted to be sure he didn't have hydrokephalus. That was so long ago that I hadn't associated it with these headaches. Now the nurse measured his head - it had jumped well over the standard maximum again. This time combined with daily headaches. 

So we were sent away with an urgent referral for a magnetic scan of his brain. It was a Friday. I asked the nurse if this was her child would she wait till Monday or find a private clinic that could do it the same day. She said she'd go today.

I got a taxi and managed to get an appointment straight away. The nurse had carefully but firmly told me that it could be nothing. But I should prepare myself for the fact that everything else had now been ruled out other than hydrokephalus or a tumor. 

Luca was scrolled into a tube where he had to lay totally still for 30-45 minutes, listening to Moomin cassettes. I remained at the other end of the device holding his toes, the only thing  I could reach, and prayed harder than ever in this life. I don't remember all the things I promised the universe but I know it was absolutely everything.

After it all the radiologist said we'd get  the results on Monday when a neurologist had checked the scan. 

I took his hands into mine and begged like I've never before or since begged anybody. Please tell me, tell me, whatever it is I cannot spend a weekend not knowing. Please. Whatever it is, please please tell me. 

He took pity on me and went outside protocol. Luca's brain was 100% healthy. He could rule out the worst possibilities with certainty.

Luca had fun in the playing room with the nurse as I cried my heart out at their toilet. After a long while I was able to hold a phone and tell his dad he was okay.

But his headaches continued... Until the year when we got divorced. The headaches stopped and haven't come back - it's been some five years.

We had suspected his pain might have been psychosomatic as no physical illness was ever found. So we had done our best to ensure he wasn't bullied at daycare or school, he had friends, the ambiance at home was as peaceful as possible... Although we had problems in our marriage we didn't argue much - or at least both of us did our very best to keep the feeling positive if the children were home. There was no shouting or nasty words. But he had felt that we weren't happy and suffered from it.

Us as parents should have acted on US so much earlier on. We only concentrated on Luca and didn't actually treat the root cause of his suffering. I had tried to push couples councelling for years but my ex husband didn't feel comfortable with it. Divorcing when they were too little to understand that they would keep the presence and love of both their parents could have been even more tramatizing.

There are no correct answers. However the truth is that my little son suffered daily headaches for years because I couldn't provide him with an environment where everybody was relaxed, loved and generally happy.  

My guilt over what my life choices have done to my son remain and so they should.

At least I've done my best to learn from that experience. Our home now is very much our sanctuary - small and messy but relaxed and full of love. Only truly caring people with whom we all feel at ease are welcome here. 

Our inner circle is small but it's better than having memories of hurtful words, uncomfortable silences or emotional distance at our place of peace.

And our door is always open to those whom we love and who love us. 

This is a photo Luca took of me last week saying Maman you look like a painting! 

Then he asked whether that is a nice thing to say or not. As I hugged him to let him know just how nice a thing that was to say he told me this photo is his favorite one of me.

I don't care if half of me is missing. I think the love I feel for him is captured in that very moment.