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At breakfast, my son told me about a discussion he'd had with a new boy in his class. Farook had ended something he'd said with "inshallah".

Luca, casually: "Did you know, there are many people in Finland who don't believe in God?"

Farook: "Really???"

Luca 9 yrs: 'Yes in different countries people believe in different things. I've thought about it and I don't believe in God. My dad doesn't either. But it's okay that you do."

Farook thought about it: "Well yes why not... I guess it's okay".

Let's just leave this planet to our kids. They're ready to make it better.

~*~

Not so long ago I lost my father, my marriage, my job, my ability to survive financially... So many things collapsed that I felt I collapsed  under the weight myself. Additionally, these are the times where a lot of friends and family members take their distance - let's face it, a depressed and desperate person is not so very much fun to hang around.

Slowly (or maybe fast? there was no notion of time in that endlessness) yet surely I fell into deep exhaustion, a tiredness no words can reach. I won't bother you with the details, you can all google depression. But very few google hits tell you how to address depression with your little children.

I realized that especially my oldest son knew something was up. He had no means to understand. But he was serious, all too serious, eyes welled up with unanswered  questions. How do you talk to your child about depression? Every instinct in my head screamed NO! spare him from this, this is my pain not his, he's just too little. But my heart whispered he already knows. And if I didn't talk to him, he'd have to deal  alone.

So, I told my Joel he must have noticed how tired I'd become... How much sleep I needed... And that I wasn't smiling as much as before. Told him all this was all due to an illness called depression, it causes these things. Told him I was treated and helped by doctors and medicine - adults took care of this, he didn't need to worry.

Interrupting me, he asked hastily "Maman are you going to die of it?". Turned out he HAD processed it, all alone, equating my situation with my father's illness that just recently had made my son's beloved grandfather fade away from us. Knowing something was wrong with me, not understanding how serious it could be, he'd wanted to protect me from his questions and concerns. What a weight he had carried on his tender shoulders.

I promised him I would get well again. He knows I never ever promise if I can't keep my word.

I apologized. For not having talked to him earlier, for sleeping too much, for always being exhausted. For everything, really.

And my child with tears in his eyes hugged me tight, saying something so wise, so kind, so compassionate that it rests in my heart forever.

 "Maman I know you always do your very best. Remember, that is enough."

My son, my hero.

Back in the day when I swore to always protect the love of my life. And already now, he protects me right back.

~*~

Beeping message woke me up. "Please tell me the boys are okay".

Ran to my phone, hands shaking, it rang forever no answer no answer no answer. Kalle turns on Al-Jazeera, chaos, carnage, child victims, 84 dead... After an eternity, answer from sleepy ex husband who doesn't know what I'm talking about. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

They are in Nice but hadn't gone to watch the parade.

Thank you all dear friends for your messages, this is to let all of you know they are still safely sleeping in their own beds.

Al-Jazeera repeats the image of a little girl in her mother's arms, staring with empty eyes as a man next to them is covered. "The father died" Kalle says silently.

Like my friend Lea wrote, today even the sky cries.

~*~

...one being my youngest son teaching me chess <3. Well, more honestly, having him kick my ass at chess.

He has a wonderful logical mind, not quite so directly inherited from me I suspect, and the sweetest spirit of sportsmanship. Neither of us wants the other one to loose, so whatever we play, it lasts forever as we give each other tips and freebies.

Luca learned so much about chess during that awful summer when his beloved grandmother had gone through radical cancer surgery, and needed mostly to recover in bed. Independent in spirit, competitively sporty, highly social and intellectually vivid person that she is, making her stay (or at least lie down occasionally) in bed was my responsibility for the summer.  Well, chess she loved. That summer, she introduced that love to Luca. They enrolled in daily chess matches, sitting on Mamie's bed, discussing strategy... I think he was only five at the time.

Me for my part, I know nothing. Where can this button go, I ask, and immediately forget.

But in Madeira last month, they had this wonderful life size chess board at the hotel, and Luca challenged me every day. Well, many times ever day.

We became known at the hotel as the mother-son chess team as other visitors came to watch my mistakes and his attempts to save my game... My favorite was when he asked me "Maman, I've never seen moves like this... Do you have a strategy behind this?".

Needless to say, none whatsoever.

My son was sweet enough to find that interesting <3.

Well, doing just about anything with him would go down on my list of my favorite thins to do *<3~...

~*~

The sweetest moment I can remember was offered to my love and I on our first real family trip.

As we sat down for dinner, my son Joel took Kalle by the hand, looked at him in the eyes and simply stated: "Best friends".

Kalle and I looked at each other, both literally moved to tears, but the kids thought nothing of it. That's just the way it is.

Beautiful.

~*~